👋🏼 “hey how you going”
“how are you”
“Yeah good thanks”
It’s the thing we say.
Even if we are slowly crumbling on the inside.
Why? Who knows it is personal to each of us. Every single day I lied and said I was good when I wasn’t. Every day for what seemed like forever.
Until one day I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t feel good I felt drained. I was having breakdowns where I was working whilst training people. It was horrible. I couldn’t even really pin point why. Then Jayson asked me “babe I know your not ok, cmon talk to me. Tel me what’s going on” and it came out all of it all at once. Everything that I was thinking.
I couldn’t pin point it, I couldn’t put my finger on it. He asked me how he could best support me and I said “I don’t even know because I don’t know what is wrong with me.”
I thought I was bipolar these massive ups and then huge downs. Then the ups started becoming less and the downs started becoming longer. Like they wouldn’t end.
Talking to Jayson was useful but i didn’t help me. I felt a small shift and it brought me back up for a little bit then I came back down to what I thought was my real life.
I was driving my car and I thought what if I just stopped in the middle of the road. I was fed up of feeling like such an inconvenience to him. I remember apologising in tears hunched over, telling him I was sorry for what I was putting him through. That the kids must think I’m awful I’m always sad, angry, distant I am just not THERE with them or even enjoying them.
Everytime I stepped into my gym though and went to work I would leave my shit at the door. I had to, it was my business my thought process was “why would I want to be trained by this crazy woman” it left me self doubting myself professionally as well.
I was afraid, I was afraid of speaking out to anyone even a doctor, even my mum or friends. When I was sat in that car I snapped I drove home straight away and called lifeline. I chatted, I talked to an unbiased person that would give me tools to support me not just conceal the wound.
I booked into see my gp after my session, whilst poppy was at school, Theo was at childcare and Jayson was at work. I went in and cried I said I wasn’t coping and we went through my mental health plan and how we were going to make steps forward. I booked in and spoke with a mental health professional who helped me realise all the love I have.
In those dark moments that feel like they last forever it’s hard to find hope.
I help with mindset I do, so does talking with your partner or a family member but I truely recognise and recommend talking to someone specialised one that field because it truely saves lives.
The I’m good can sometimes be a lie, sometimes it can be the truth. It’s not up to you to decipher. But one day that person you always ask. The one that says “I’m good”. They will know that they are in a safe space to tell you when they are not.
So are you ok today?