There comes a time in your life where you have to wipe the slate clean and today I feel like I need to do all of that, you see for so long I have been this happy face, this bubble of energy, the lady that laughs, cracks the joke has a weird sense of humour and yes that is me, it is me in all of its might but that’s just a small part of me. A part of me that I have figured the ability to turn on but it shuts its self off. The last 12 months have been so much way to much really and its taken every ounce of me to understand that I am really not doing to well.
I love my business, I love my work and I love seeing everyones faces everyday in all honesty its great because it is when my on switch flicks up and I go hey lets be happy, lets be confident, lets look in control when behind my eyes every piece of me is falling apart. I feel like a fraud most days because I jump on live videos, I post all this positive content, I talk about using positive language, I show you all in the gym how to keep going how to push harder how to finish that last rep when you don’t want to and towards the end of last year it was a roller coaster of personal emotions, after 12 long months of a application process for Jayson he was declined the offer and that hit hard for both of us, I had several other personal situations that I didn’t really take the time to deal, our finances were screwed, I was struggling big time with work and then you still have to get out of bed you still have to parent, be a partner keep the house clean check in with people reply to messages, show up and make an effort and I couldn’t do it anymore.
It felt like a little piece of my brain had died, the part that is supposed to let you smile and laugh at silly things your kids do or the way your partner cracks a joke or watching a sunset, I found no joy, no happiness and I felt alone. Really really lonely.
The rollercoaster of this business and for any business owner you will understand this, its a lonely ride and really you sometimes you don’t know where your going, you just know that there is no getting off, you watch the seminars, you join the educational groups, you listen to podcasts and read books, you share in your victories and move on from the losses, everyone looks at what your posting on your highlight reel and goes the gyms going really well hey? Yes, yes it is. But my head, my mental health, my physical health it is not. You see you always have to be present, you have to be showing up, you have to be in tune, you have to remember, there is so so so many things you have to do. Its easy to say ahh you just need a break, but then the ball slips and your behind then the coming back from that takes longer than taking a break. With all of these thoughts constantly running through my head, wondering if everyone is happy, wondering what can I do to improve the experience, how can I make more of an impact, I left no time for me. The other part is busy worrying about my children, my amazing fiancé.
I left me until last and I had a complete mental breakdown because of it, I was driving on my own in the car and I thought to myself what would happen if I just stopped in the middle of a busy road. I knew that I couldn’t do this anymore, that how I felt like it was normal to have these ups and then these huge downs was totally ok, after talking it out chatting with J. That moving forward for the next couple of days everything was alright then boom, man down again. Ive always been really intuitive and im also really self aware of how im feeling, what my triggers are and how to understand them however this has been different, there hasn’t been a way in which ive been able to handle this or work around it.
I have depression. I didn’t even know it. I just thought that I was being drained from every inch of my life and to be honest I was and I am but im learning how to handle it. Im writing this because im fed up of feeling like a liar. There are so many things I want to talk about so many things I want to write about that I stop myself from doing because this little voice inside of me says your just a fake, your pretending for these people. We all wear many masks and I’ve come to realise my masks do define me they set my tone but now im learning how to master them. How to wear them and not let them wear me.
I am currently on anti depressants and I’ve been taking them now for the last 5 weeks, I never got the baby blues and I never experienced post natal depression either but what I have experienced is putting myself last. I never wanted to medicate myself, I was embarrassed I was ashamed that I couldn’t handle it on my own. For me though it was my stepping stone, my way of trying to find that little bit of me that I know I love, that is there, that enjoys laughing, that enjoys playing with her kids and has a plethora of energy outside of work. This Is my time to find that person, to be that woman.